Chapter 12

The restaurant that Chen Man had brought Jiang Xichu to had been open for a few decades, and from the fact that it had been open for so many years it could be seen that its dishes were pretty good. Chen Man particularly liked its flavours, but today’s meal she ate without tasting. The fault wasn’t with them; her entire mind was filled with the matter of Jiang Xichu.

The two ordered three dishes, and in the end, together they didn’t finish even a single dish, having them put into takeaway boxes; Jiang Xichu walked at the front, the early summer night neither cold nor hot, and the warm breeze brushed against the bodies of the two; Jiang Xichu’s steps involuntarily became relaxed, and her lips lifted, slowly heading towards the parking lot. Behind her, Chen Man followed along, gaze fixed on Jiang Xichu’s figure.

She really likes me?

That can’t be, she doesn’t like me, I knew that from the start.

Maybe I made a mistake, and it might still be that she likes me!

No no no, if she liked me, liked me from early on, how could she wait until now.

How could she not have waited until now, then? It couldn’t be said for sure, Jiang Xichu’s reflex arc could orbit the Earth three times!^[1]

…

The heavens and mortals battled within Chen Man’s mind; Jiang Xichu came to the side of the car, turning to look at Chen Man, indicating to her to open the car door; Chen Man paused along with her, standing at a metre away from her. Jiang Xichu faintly raised her brows, not understanding why she still wasn’t coming over. Chen Man looked about; this parking lot was rather desolate, as nearby was a great office building, so after work, there usually wouldn’t be any cars, nor any people; Chen Man drew in a great breath, and then slowly walked to Jiang Xichu.

Jiang Xichu, having been gazed at by her like this, suddenly felt an involuntary sense of anxiety in her heart, and she furrowed her brows, asking, “How are you…”

Chen Man threw caution to the wind; she felt that, if she weren’t able to clarify this problem today, tonight, and in the countless future nights, she couldn’t even think of sleeping anymore! She fixed her gaze on Jiang Xichu, not missing a single change of emotion on her face, and said, “Jiang Xichu, there’s a question I’ve always wanted to ask you.”

Jiang Xichu was startled, and said, “What question?”

“The person you like…what’s her name?”

In a flash, the surroundings sank into deathly stillness; Chen Man felt she herself couldn’t hear anything aside from the beating of her heart, pounding like a drumbeat, as if it was about to leap out of her chest. The more she didn’t speak, the more Chen Man became anxious, and when she came to a state of anxiety, pessimism and low self-esteem once more seized the upper ground, and Chen Man hurriedly turned her head in avoidance, laughing hollowly a couple times, and said, “Hehe, I was just asking without thinking, if you don’t want to answer, that’s fine too; I’m not that interested in this question anyway…”

“Chen Man.”

Chen Man didn’t have any reaction for a bit, foolishly replying, “Ah, what’s the matter?”

Jiang Xichu’s lips rose, and her voice was clear and cold as spring water, washing away all of Chen Man’s pessimistic thoughts in an instant. “I wasn’t calling you, I was replying to the question you asked.”

——What’s the name of the person you like?

——Her name is Chen Man.

Chen Man’s manner now was even more sluggish than before, and she opened and closed her mouth, not letting out a sound, and only after a good ten or so seconds did her own, hoarse and tight voice sound out, “You…you aren’t playing a trick on me, are you?” If she really was playing a trick, then she couldn’t survive it. First giving hope and then shattering it, there wasn’t anything on earth more cruel than this.

Jiang Xichu’s brows furrowed, and she put the boxed food up on top of the car’s roof, and looked at Chen Man, none too pleased, and said, “Why would I use this sort of matter to play a trick? Do you think I seem like the sort of person to have that kind of humour?” Saying so, she sneered, “That is to say, you think I’m extremely uncaring about affection, and that’s why I can play tricks like that at random.” Jiang Xichu was a bit offended; although she didn’t know why she was angry, she said, “Can’t I sincerely like you; you already like me, why is it that I can’t like you?!”

Chen Man’s eyes widened in a flash; her face was as red as a freshly plucked fuji apple, and the words she said were stammered. “Who, who who who said I like you! Don’t spew nonsense!”

Jiang Xichu’s expression changed slightly, and she said, “You don’t like me?” Jiang Xichu retreated a step, looking as if she wanted to leave, but it was actually just that she thought that standing here face to face with Chen Man was unsuitable, and so wanted to change the location, but Chen Man didn’t know why she wanted to move, and immediately became worried.

Chen Man hurriedly came before her, tugging at her hand; what sort of joke, letting Jiang Xichu leave now, then how could she survive? How could her near-exploding heart return to normalcy, ah. “I like you! I do like you…”

The first phrase was shouted out, and the second, in an instant, didn’t have any spirit, its volume that of a newborn kitten, and once it was completed, she felt entirely shy, but she also knew that right now wasn’t the time for being embarrassed; what sort of face, what sort of dignity, it was all unimportant! Chen Man forced herself to raise her head, gazing at Jiang Xichu with pursed lips, like a stray dog begging passersby to take it home, and she looked at Jiang Xichu incredibly pitifully, and said, “Don’t be mad, but I still want to confirm it, because I feel it’s too unbelievable; do you really like me? The like I’m speaking of, it’s not the affection between friends, it’s…it’s the type of affection between lovers, you, you understand?”

Jiang Xichu knew Chen Man was timid, and knew that in matters of affection she often lacked self-esteem, but she hadn’t thought that her lack of self-esteem would be to this degree. Jiang Xichu understood Chen Man very well; they’d remained together since they were in university, and Jiang Xichu was probably the person who understood her the most besides her parents, so, Jiang Xichu didn’t understand it; Chen Man was by no means someone with low self-esteem, and on the contrary, she was very confident in herself, and always upbeat. But when she was facing herself, she was always cowering, overcautious and indecisive, what did that show? It showed that, in Chen Man’s eyes, she was even more outstanding, much much better than her, almost the greatest person in the world, so that was why she felt that she couldn’t match up to her.

Jiang Xichu tilted her head, blinking her eyes and blinking away the loss of self-control and stirred emotions. Her heart had already gently become a total mess; Jiang Xichu tilted her head back and extended her arms, tightly embracing Chen Man, the two’s bodies tightly pressed together, Jiang Xichu’s ear pressed right near her lips, and Chen Man didn’t know where to put her tense limbs. Jiang Xichu held her for a while, and then after that, she faintly drew away, shifting from her original position, and gently pressed a kiss against the corner of Chen Man’s mouth. “Do you believe me now?”

…

On the way home, Chen Man didn’t drive, and it was Jiang Xichu who drove. Since Chen Man’s condition was already unsuitable to drive, she spent the entire journey with a displeased expression; it was just a pity that the corners of her lips always betrayed her; when there wasn’t an issue they would rise a bit, faithfully expressing their owner’s frame of mind. That night, neither of the two had any matters to attend to, and laid down on the bed in the bedroom; Jiang Xichu turned on the TV, watching a show that had been popular for seven or eight years; at the start, Chen Man was still silently keeping her company, but later, she clung to Jiang Xichu’s side, like a young girl, asking Jiang Xichu this and that.

“When did you realise that I liked you?”

Jiang Xichu said vaguely, “It wasn’t that long ago.”

“Then, when was it when you took a liking to me?”

“After I realised that you liked me. In any case, you were my immediate superior, and since you were having thoughts of improper conduct towards me, I thought it over a bit; do you want me to give you a chance to behave improperly?”

Chen Man shoved her, and said, “What improper conduct! Don't say it as if it’s such an unbearable thing; my intentions towards you, those can clearly be testified to by the heavens and earth, and by the sun and moon; if you have to insist on talking about improper conduct, your conduct is about as improper as mine…” Have you met someone who endured the conduct of being reprimanded severely day in and day out? It was something she’d never seen before. Talking about it, Chen Man felt it wasn’t particularly to her liking, and turned her head; Jiang Xichu was looking at her with a smile that wasn’t quite a smile, and Chen Man grew silent, and asked, “What is it, did I say something wrong?”

Jiang Xichu shook her head with a smile. “Nothing wrong, I was just curious about a matter.”

“Eh,” Chen Man nodded obediently, “go ahead and ask.”

“Since it is that they can be testified to by the heavens and earth, and the sun and the moon, then why did you never tell me, and when I said there was someone I liked, you would rather go furtively cry in the bathroom, and not even try to fight for it.”

Chen Man’s face flushed in a beat, and she lowered her head with embarrassment, and said, “So, in actuality, you know about this as well, ah…” Only after pausing for a long time, Chen Man once more raised her head, and said, “Because I didn’t want you to hate me.”

Jiang Xichu knitted her brows, and Chen Man pursed her lips, and continued, “Maybe you think that the reason is rather perfunctory, but that’s how I thought; I was afraid you would hate me. Friendship is both the firmest and most frail relationship in this world; family cannot be replaced, and is impossible to change; lovers are hard to replace, and hard to change; but friends, this sort of relationship is the easiest to find someone to replace, and more or less doesn’t require prerequisites; go out, and randomly get to know someone, and if you can chat with her, she can become your new friend.” As she came to the end, Chen Man’s voice became lower and lower, and she said, “My place is the sort that could always possibly be replaced, so I was most afraid of you hating me, because if it was like that, then even the last of my chance to stay by your side wouldn’t even.”

For a long time, Chen Man didn’t hear Jiang Xichu’s reply, and she surreptitiously raised her head, and carelessly came into Jiang Xichu’s line of sight, and the latter laughed quietly, letting out two indistinct words: “You fool.”

-

< LAST | HOME | NEXT >

- 

Translator's notes:

[1]: “Reflex arc” (反射弧, fan she hu) is used to describe the amount of time it takes someone to react to something.